Sophistication Shit!!!

There are these overtly sophisticated Indians, I often come across!!!


Either, they are over stylish, or, simply too idiotic!!!



There will always be this guy, who would always speak English, no matter where, or, whether he could actually speak the language!!! He would grind and clench his teeth hard, trying to produce what would be, an ill "American" accent!!!



He'll be like, "Yo bro, wassup!!" "Hey gorgeous, how you doing?"

And, just then, his phone would ring, and his "American" accent would just evaporate!!!

"Haan mummy!! Aa te samay, kaddu leke aaunga!!!"



Minutes back, this guy was pretending not to know Hindi, at all!!!

He was like, "Hindi??? Where do you find that language??? Is it Martian??? I'm strictly in to English!!!"



He would wear a Che Guevara t-shirt, not even knowing which country he belonged to, or, who he was, at the least!!!

For him, Che Guevara was a rock star of the 1960s!!!



This guy would be so sophisticatedly English, that, if given a leg piece of chicken, he would even have that (or, probably struggle, trying hard, to have!), with a fork!!!



Jesus!!! Save the assholes!!!

Brought up Bong!!!

Growing up as a Bengali kid, you are made to believe the stupidest things!!!

And, the worst part is, you don't even realise that, at a time, most of your age had really "grown up"!!!

For Bengali parents, their children getting a cough and cold is more serious than contracting AIDS!!!

Secondly, as a Bengali kid, you are made to realise, art is something, you are born with!!! No wonder, every Tom-Dick-and-Harry starts pulling guitar strings, trying singing with the voice of a toad, and writing the ultimate shits of poetry!!!

At school, you fight for half-a-mark, for your parents are overtly concerned with every "chawanni" and "athanni"!!!

Saraswati Puja is officially the unofficial Bengal Valentine's Day!!! 

But, why would someone go out for a date, on a day, he's likely to encounter at least half-a-dozen unwelcome guests, and their weirdly wild grins, on the way!!!

Moreover, you were never a Bengali kid, if, at least half-a-thousand times, you haven't been called out by an ancient, distant relative's name!!!

MONKEY!!!

Nuptial Nonsense!!!

When it comes to marriages, nobody can literally be as hilarious as an Indian!!!


As soon as you cross 25, your parents start turning strangely sadistic and weirdly funny!!!


It all starts with the simplest question.

"Why don't you get settled??"


Marriage is the official way to unsettle all your peace and privacy!!!

But, parents will never understand!


And, if, by the farthest chance, you try to convince them, you've just called, for serious shit!!!


"Your friends are all getting married. Why don't you settle down??"

We should be saying, or, rather paying them back the age-old dialogue!!!

"If they jump off the terrace, does that mean, I should also do that??"


Next comes, "Your mom needs a hand to help her out!!!"


"Really???"


I thought a cook or maid was good enough for that!!!


Then comes the golden statement!!!


"You are growing old!!!"



I thought child marriages were banned in India!!!



And, for the worst part, they would even question your sexual orientation!!!


"Are you a gay???"

Damn!! Dad!!!

The usual Indian father is a very sweet character!!!

He somehow knows, how to time things, near to perfection, even if, that's a disaster!!!

In the growing years, he would know exactly when to bribe you, with chocolates and ice-creams, to evaporate the fact, that he just smoked!!!

Then, usually, the only time, he would be concerned about your academics, would be the day, your results were due!!!

It's like, I give a damn to your bull shit syllabus, if you are not faring well, you are facing the wrath.

No pocket money!!!

And, they could forget your age and even your birthday, quite of habit, but, never could they forget the D-Day!!!

Such inherently perfect timing!!!

And then, in the arguments, he would often have with mom, none of which he would ever win, because he was literally scared of mom's nuclear weapon, TEARS!!!

And then, he would smartly smile to himself, in front of you, just like, he had it away!!!

The best part is, when it comes to achievements and laurels, you are a "dad's kid".

Failures???

You are your "mom's mistake"!!!

So damn PERFECT!!!

Ignited Idiots!!!

I belong to the land of "bandhs".

As a child, in my growing years, I had this concept that, "bandh" was a festival, that came over, again and again, ten-fifteen times a year!!!

It was only in my adolescence, that, I realised, Bengalis were born rebels!!! It's like, every goddamn Bengali had a Subhash Chandra Bose, within!!!

Bandhs, marches, with or without a candle, hunger strikes came to us, spontaneously!!!

That too, to such an extent, that, even if a group of students simply felt, they had been awarded less marks in an exam, they would straight away go for a hunger strike, and organise protest rallies!!!

Strikes against price hike, corrupt Government, for justice, marches for student rights, gender equality, and protest rallies, they have all been simply ways of killing time, like a martyr!!!

In my entire life span so far, I've realised one big truth.

Bengal is too lazy, even for a change!!!

For the worst part, half the people never know, why on earth are they protesting!!!

For some, it's cool. For some, it's intellectual! 

And.

For the rest, it's PROTEST!!!

Erotically Erratic!!!

A few days back, as I watched this ad commercial, I couldn't stop feeling worried!!!


It said, if you use a certain brand of perfume, or, eau-de-cologne, whichever way you say, you would turn so attractive a male, that, hot, winged chicks would come, crashing down your roof!!!



Firstly, the only place, you find hot, winged chicks is, a KFC bucket!!!

Straight and simple.


Secondly, I don't know, how it happens, at other places, but, as for Indian guys, it wouldn't be a pleasure watching girls crash down the roof, and your dad screaming at you, "What's wrong with you, bloody ass-hole???"

I mean, he's spent half his life's savings behind that god damn house!!!

And, you simply let girls crash it down, all because of a 150-rupee perfume bottle!!!


Just not done.


Moreover, had it actually happened, my next-door-neighbour's son would have happily got umpteen girls crashing down, saving some quality time, off his busy wash-room schedule!!!

Bangalore Bath!!!

The Bangalore weather and women are so very congruent!!!


Usually pleasant, but, you would hardly know, and it would have started raining!!!

And, rains are serious shit!!!


I mean, every single ass-hole, with a car, turns Michael Schumacher!!! His eyes literally glitter, when he sees a pothole, filled in!


And, he would usually be so accurate in splashing the length of your clothes, in the perfect way!!!


And, you would simply stand there, first cursing him, for having a car, and then, yourself, for not having one!!!


The other day, it was raining so bad, that, even Bangaloreans were scared!!!


Thanks to the drainage system! In less than half an hour, a bus stop literally turned something, that could easily fit in half a dozen Michael Phelps', for a 100 metre freestyle!!!


And, in two hours, it had turned so shitty, that, even the Indian Government would have grinned and said, "I'm cleaner!!!"