Sophistication Shit!!!

There are these overtly sophisticated Indians, I often come across!!!


Either, they are over stylish, or, simply too idiotic!!!



There will always be this guy, who would always speak English, no matter where, or, whether he could actually speak the language!!! He would grind and clench his teeth hard, trying to produce what would be, an ill "American" accent!!!



He'll be like, "Yo bro, wassup!!" "Hey gorgeous, how you doing?"

And, just then, his phone would ring, and his "American" accent would just evaporate!!!

"Haan mummy!! Aa te samay, kaddu leke aaunga!!!"



Minutes back, this guy was pretending not to know Hindi, at all!!!

He was like, "Hindi??? Where do you find that language??? Is it Martian??? I'm strictly in to English!!!"



He would wear a Che Guevara t-shirt, not even knowing which country he belonged to, or, who he was, at the least!!!

For him, Che Guevara was a rock star of the 1960s!!!



This guy would be so sophisticatedly English, that, if given a leg piece of chicken, he would even have that (or, probably struggle, trying hard, to have!), with a fork!!!



Jesus!!! Save the assholes!!!

Brought up Bong!!!

Growing up as a Bengali kid, you are made to believe the stupidest things!!!

And, the worst part is, you don't even realise that, at a time, most of your age had really "grown up"!!!

For Bengali parents, their children getting a cough and cold is more serious than contracting AIDS!!!

Secondly, as a Bengali kid, you are made to realise, art is something, you are born with!!! No wonder, every Tom-Dick-and-Harry starts pulling guitar strings, trying singing with the voice of a toad, and writing the ultimate shits of poetry!!!

At school, you fight for half-a-mark, for your parents are overtly concerned with every "chawanni" and "athanni"!!!

Saraswati Puja is officially the unofficial Bengal Valentine's Day!!! 

But, why would someone go out for a date, on a day, he's likely to encounter at least half-a-dozen unwelcome guests, and their weirdly wild grins, on the way!!!

Moreover, you were never a Bengali kid, if, at least half-a-thousand times, you haven't been called out by an ancient, distant relative's name!!!

MONKEY!!!

Nuptial Nonsense!!!

When it comes to marriages, nobody can literally be as hilarious as an Indian!!!


As soon as you cross 25, your parents start turning strangely sadistic and weirdly funny!!!


It all starts with the simplest question.

"Why don't you get settled??"


Marriage is the official way to unsettle all your peace and privacy!!!

But, parents will never understand!


And, if, by the farthest chance, you try to convince them, you've just called, for serious shit!!!


"Your friends are all getting married. Why don't you settle down??"

We should be saying, or, rather paying them back the age-old dialogue!!!

"If they jump off the terrace, does that mean, I should also do that??"


Next comes, "Your mom needs a hand to help her out!!!"


"Really???"


I thought a cook or maid was good enough for that!!!


Then comes the golden statement!!!


"You are growing old!!!"



I thought child marriages were banned in India!!!



And, for the worst part, they would even question your sexual orientation!!!


"Are you a gay???"

Damn!! Dad!!!

The usual Indian father is a very sweet character!!!

He somehow knows, how to time things, near to perfection, even if, that's a disaster!!!

In the growing years, he would know exactly when to bribe you, with chocolates and ice-creams, to evaporate the fact, that he just smoked!!!

Then, usually, the only time, he would be concerned about your academics, would be the day, your results were due!!!

It's like, I give a damn to your bull shit syllabus, if you are not faring well, you are facing the wrath.

No pocket money!!!

And, they could forget your age and even your birthday, quite of habit, but, never could they forget the D-Day!!!

Such inherently perfect timing!!!

And then, in the arguments, he would often have with mom, none of which he would ever win, because he was literally scared of mom's nuclear weapon, TEARS!!!

And then, he would smartly smile to himself, in front of you, just like, he had it away!!!

The best part is, when it comes to achievements and laurels, you are a "dad's kid".

Failures???

You are your "mom's mistake"!!!

So damn PERFECT!!!

Ignited Idiots!!!

I belong to the land of "bandhs".

As a child, in my growing years, I had this concept that, "bandh" was a festival, that came over, again and again, ten-fifteen times a year!!!

It was only in my adolescence, that, I realised, Bengalis were born rebels!!! It's like, every goddamn Bengali had a Subhash Chandra Bose, within!!!

Bandhs, marches, with or without a candle, hunger strikes came to us, spontaneously!!!

That too, to such an extent, that, even if a group of students simply felt, they had been awarded less marks in an exam, they would straight away go for a hunger strike, and organise protest rallies!!!

Strikes against price hike, corrupt Government, for justice, marches for student rights, gender equality, and protest rallies, they have all been simply ways of killing time, like a martyr!!!

In my entire life span so far, I've realised one big truth.

Bengal is too lazy, even for a change!!!

For the worst part, half the people never know, why on earth are they protesting!!!

For some, it's cool. For some, it's intellectual! 

And.

For the rest, it's PROTEST!!!

Erotically Erratic!!!

A few days back, as I watched this ad commercial, I couldn't stop feeling worried!!!


It said, if you use a certain brand of perfume, or, eau-de-cologne, whichever way you say, you would turn so attractive a male, that, hot, winged chicks would come, crashing down your roof!!!



Firstly, the only place, you find hot, winged chicks is, a KFC bucket!!!

Straight and simple.


Secondly, I don't know, how it happens, at other places, but, as for Indian guys, it wouldn't be a pleasure watching girls crash down the roof, and your dad screaming at you, "What's wrong with you, bloody ass-hole???"

I mean, he's spent half his life's savings behind that god damn house!!!

And, you simply let girls crash it down, all because of a 150-rupee perfume bottle!!!


Just not done.


Moreover, had it actually happened, my next-door-neighbour's son would have happily got umpteen girls crashing down, saving some quality time, off his busy wash-room schedule!!!

Bangalore Bath!!!

The Bangalore weather and women are so very congruent!!!


Usually pleasant, but, you would hardly know, and it would have started raining!!!

And, rains are serious shit!!!


I mean, every single ass-hole, with a car, turns Michael Schumacher!!! His eyes literally glitter, when he sees a pothole, filled in!


And, he would usually be so accurate in splashing the length of your clothes, in the perfect way!!!


And, you would simply stand there, first cursing him, for having a car, and then, yourself, for not having one!!!


The other day, it was raining so bad, that, even Bangaloreans were scared!!!


Thanks to the drainage system! In less than half an hour, a bus stop literally turned something, that could easily fit in half a dozen Michael Phelps', for a 100 metre freestyle!!!


And, in two hours, it had turned so shitty, that, even the Indian Government would have grinned and said, "I'm cleaner!!!"

Style Shits!!!

Sometimes, I'm so utterly confused by the style statement of certain people, that, I really think hard, whether, I should laugh out loud, or simply, feel sorry!!!



To start off with, the other day, a Jaguar, landed in style, inches away from my office!!


The guy, who came out, was darker than a crow!!! Actually, he was so purely black, that, every time he bathed, the water turned black, but he, remained the same!!!


He was dressed in complete white!!!


To make things worse, he had a chain of gold, around his literally non-existent neckline, that would even shame every single dog, of their chains!!!


He, simply didn't realise, how scary he looked!!!



Again, I have this newly married Punjabi lady, in my neighbourhood, in her early thirties! Every time, she walks out, except for office, she's dressed in a flimsy top and hot pants!!!


No doubt, she looks seductive and gorgeous enough!!


But, that's not all.


She's engulfed in "churas", from the tip of her wrists to the end of her elbows!!!




Now, how seductive is that???

Philosophical Paranoids!!!

Indians have a serious problem.

They suffer from fits of preconceived notions!!!


I started writing poetry quite early, at the age of twelve or thirteen. So, it would be like, I would be getting introduced to somebody, with an added fact, that, I write good poetry.



He would look at me, raise his eyebrows, scan me from the tip of the highest strand of hair, to the end of the last nail, like, he just caught me, sleeping with his daughter!!! He would, then, give a wild grin, and remark, "You don't look like a writer!!"


Really??? I never knew they had a "writer look" too!!!



"You don't have a bearded face, or, those 'poetic' long, unruly strands of hair!!!"



What??? Poetry doesn't lie hidden in the bushy vegetation of your face, or your hair, that would be, more of a crow's nest, because, you simply didn't have even a comb, at home!!!


These guys, when they read a simple sentence, "The curtains were blue", fall philosophical.

"Hmmm...The writer wants to express the melancholy through the 'blueness' of the curtains..."



NO!!!


THE CURTAINS WERE FUCKING BLUE!!!

Exclusive Experts!!!

Taking an expert look at anything and, almost everything is something, Bengalis are infamously expert at!!!


And, the first expert judgement after this sentence would be, "Let's out caste this guy! He's such a disgrace to Bengalis!!!


Be it Dhoni's decision to field on a batting track, or the Manchester-Chelsea match, all they need is, a cup of tea and a cigarette!!!


Bengalis have this inherent talent of discussing the gravest issues, be that India's defence policy, or, the mission to Mars, they solve it in minutes, at the roadside tea shop!!!


And, for the worst part, even the tea seller wouldn't miss out his turn, who doesn't even have the faintest clue about who India's defence minister is!!!



And, politics is something, Bengalis are born for!!


Give them a cup of tea, a cigarette, and politics.


They would never ask for a job!!!

Inquisitive Idiocies!!!

I was sitting, lazying on a weekend morning, when something struck me.

The most outstanding questions, you are often asked, without the questionnaire even realising the stupidity!!


You go to someone's place, knock on the door, and they'll come up like, "Oh, you've come?"

 No. I was just checking for WiFi, without a password, and stopped here!!!



You'll get dressed, and, will wait for the others, when somebody will come and ask, "Ready?"

No dude! I was just practising for the fancy dress event!!!



You go for a invitation, and the lady has already forcingly overfed you, inflating your stomach, one-and-a-half times its original size, and then, she will ask, in the most innocent way, "Did you fill in? Do you want some more??"

Yes. I've a hump on the back!! I'll store it there!!!



And, the worst of all!

You wake up, and your friend is like, "You awake???"

No. I'm just pretending!!!

Cleavage Centric!!!

I seriously couldn't fathom the reason behind the Deepika Padukone cleavage hype!!!


I mean, out of everything, why the hell did the Times Of India have to do something, that would only surface the truth!

They are fucking jobless!!!


I mean, what was Sunny Leone doing so far, in Bollywood movies???


She was, definitely not, acting!!!

I mean, her cleavage speaks more, than her lips will ever do!!!

At least, people would have got a real reason to buy the TOI, every day!!


Tell me something. What is TOI busy doing, every time, Poonam Pandey tweets one more stupidly sensuous selfie, sporting pink inners???


I mean, forget cleavage, she gives so much more!!!

At least, she would have been a happier woman, if TOI had taken her pics, a bit more seriously!!!


At least, there would be some more light on her, other than the flashlight of her own cellphone!!!

Lethal Lies!!!

The other day, I came across this ad commercial, where Virat Kohli was, supposedly, looking fairer, having used some Fair and Handsome!!!


Really???

I mean, he's already fair, and doesn't need to be any more, until he desires to be an albino!!!


And, hats off to Photoshop, one is made varying shades of black and white, in seconds!!!


I mean, it's fine, you are making a fool of people, but, seeing these ads, I seriously feel, these brands are making more a fool, of themselves!!!

You are selling lies, we know, but, at least make them believable!!!


Another thing.


Why are fairness creams named Fair and Lovely, or, Fair and Handsome???

Why???


I mean, I can't imagine Oprah Winfrey looking like Scarlett Johannson, even if she bathed in Fair and Lovely, every day, and turned, ten shades fairer!!!


It's just so impossible!!!


I mean, even Uday Chopra would laugh at these ads, and say, "At least I'm smarter!!!"

Least Literary!!!

Nowadays, it's a kind of a contagible disease, among the IITians, to become writers!!!


And, stupid enough, as most "trendy" readers are, they make these books, a bestseller!!! The sole reason being, they were written by an IITian!!!


These readers are usually the ones, who read "Fifty Shades Of Grey", and call it a great read, barely realising, it's a sequel to our very own "Kamasutra"!!!


Now, as for IITians, these guys remain a headache, since their schooldays!!! They are the sole reason, why millions of Indian kids get beaten up, everyday!!!

Every dad is like, "Sharma ji ka beta ko dekho! He's in IIT!!!"

Forget rose with thorns! For these guys, our lives turn only thorns!! And, not even a petal!!!


And then, suddenly, these highly talented guys realise that, now they have got every kid in the neighbourhood, beaten up, they should take to torturing the readers!!!


And, in every single book, by the thirteenth page, either the guy's or the girl's clothes, are on the floor!!!


And then, it's pretty much, the same old story, with modifications, over the next 200 pages!!!


Some don't get married, some unluckily do!!! And. in some, the girl even manages a successful death!!!(thankfully!)


It's more of an IITian's manual, than, a piece of literature!


I seriously think, these guys should get a separate shelf for themselves, at the book store, that will read, "The IITian methods of love and war!!", or, "The IITian diaries!!!"


Dude!! Those are anything but literature!!!


It's like the mantra to be a successful writer is, "Write good, or..... Be an IITian!!!"

Pathetic Phrases!!!

Being in a relationship is definitely, not an easy task!!!

It's essentially important that, you know the "real" meaning of the phrases that will, probably plague you, the entire length of the relationship!!


To start off with, when a girl says, "I'm fine", be sure, she's anything but fine!!! It literally means, "Asshole!! Pamper me!! Attend to me, as if, I were the centre of gravity!!!"


The next phrase that would generally come up is, "I have something to say!" Now, that means, "I found something, about one of my one-and-a-half dozen exes!!" Or, even in the worst case, "I missed my periods!!!"

Now, you know, how serious a shit, that is!!!


Then comes the lethal term.


"We need to talk!!!"


It simply means, you are fucked!!!

It's like, "I'll scream at you, like, I just caught you sleeping with my best friend, and scare theshit out of you!!!"

And, if you try speaking half a sentence, the next thing would be, "It's not working any more!!!"



And then, they'll ask you the stupidest question, possible, on earth!!


She'll ask you,. how much do you love her!

It's like, "Baby, I love you 2 kilos and 450 grams!!!"


I mean, how is somebody supposed to answer this??


And then, girls have this excellent concept of asking you the most important questions, seventeen-and-a-half seconds, before you fall asleep!!!


For the worst part, they'll tell you, "Be focussed in life", "Be frank and honest", "Be practical".


And when you actually apply them, they'll tell you the greatest and biggest truth.


"YOU HAVE CHANGED!!!"