Wedlock Wooes!!!

Indian weddings are infamously big and fat!!!


To start off with, there would be relatives coming, whom you hadn't seen, in the last two decades!! And, then, their first reaction would be, "Oh! Dekho to! Kitna bada ho gaya??"


What???

What did you expect? After two decades, I would grow only a couple of months older???


Then, one gets married, and all of a sudden, every of his unmarried cousins and siblings face the wrath!!!

"Ab to tera number hai!!!"

It's like, they just found another scapegoat!!!


You wake at, what is usually midnight for you, to chew some stupid food, so that, you get married too, very soon!!!


And then, the bride who had just spent, half a dozen hours, getting ready for the marriage, would be tortured with all the spotlight, so that, in minutes, she's sweating the foundation and kohl!!!


And then, the groom, who just spent a ten thousand bucks on his designer sherwani, would be made to hide his face, behind paper helmets, crowns and garlands!!!


The elderly women would start discussing on the most important topics!!!

"How beautiful is the bride???"

"How fair is she???"

"How qualified is the groom???"

"What is his monthly take home???"

"How much gold, does the bride have, on her body???"



And then, somebody would point out that, the groom had a single grey hair!! Or, the bride's left eye was smaller than her right one!!!


At some corner, meanwhile, one of the groom's friends, would be making and cooking stories to the bride's cousin!!!


Marriages are undoubtedly, a SERIOUS social thing!!!

Mother Menace!!!

Indian mothers are the rarest and the most unique species of women, one can ever come across!!!


To start off with, she'll always tell others, that, she is never concerned about her child topping the class, but, rather, with the all round development. And then, when you score fifty marks less, on aggregate, than the class topper, she'll scream at you like, you had been just adjudged guilty of Gandhi's assassination, and the Mumbai blasts!!!


She would make you take classes in painting, singing and every other goddamn thing, to keep you at par, with the rest of the rats, in the race!!!


She would teach you, never to lie. And, would slap down one more, in your leave application, every time, you would go for a vacation!!!



And then, every time you would ask for something, your best friend had just got, she would ask you the patent, age-old question!!

"Would you jump, off the terrace, if your best friend did so??"


No. Never!!!


I would simply own his stuff!!!

Poetic Problem!!!

The problem was always, with the complicated strands of DNA!!!

I mean, obviously, if you start writing poetry at the age of ten, you are either Tagore, or ill!!!


As for me, the literary leech was raised, in blood!!

Now, the problem was that, my grandfather, the first poet-in-line, was a lesser known name of his times. No wonder, he was poor with marketing skills!!! And, there wasn't any concept of online feeding!

My dad, did make some repute, but, just not enough!!!


At the age of thirteen, I was literally emitting poetry, faster than, bowels of a stomach upset!!!

My dad wasted no time in confessing, they were worse than toad shit!!!

Poetry and toad shit???   What's the connection???


Probably the same, often, people's words have, with bull shit!!!


But then, I knew, I had to work hard. I had to be a writer.


And, I wasn't an IITian!!!

Rape Rhapsody!!!

A few days back, I came across this person, who commented that, girls provoke guys, to rape them!!!

I seriously did not know, whether to laugh, at his idiocy, or cry, at his ignorance!!


It's like, a guy sees a girl in "inadequate" clothes, gets a hormonal surge, and "it" just happens!!!

HOW???

Your hormones were having a stomach upset???

Like, it just happened! I couldn't control my loose emotions!!!


And then, people say, the girl was bad, and invited for it!!!


I mean, why would a girl call for rape, when she could simply have sex???

It's like, you killed someone, because, you wanted to attend a funeral party!!!


And, if it's that, short clothes and cleavages turn you on, try imagining Mamata Bannerjee or Jayalalitha, in a two-piece bikini!!!

I'm sure, that would be the end, to your turning horny, ever again!!!


And then, someone said, I wanted to teach her a lesson, because, she was not "properly" dressed!!!


Who the hell are you???

Her father???

Her moral science teacher???


Rape does not prove your manliness!!!


It simply establishes that, you lack balls!!!

Porn Pimples!!!

The other day I found a guy speaking on Facebook, that, we are degrading our culture with porn!!!


Really???


I mean, are you sure, you are speaking of Indian culture???


When, the other cultures were busy working on romantic poetry, debating on the solar system, and fighting the theory of relativity, we were busy writing Kamasutra!!!


Inventing the weirdest permutation combinations of intercourse!!!


We were sculpting the Khajuraho!!!



Now, when they did it, it was pure art, and when we do, that's perversion!!!


I mean, I seriously don't get it!!!


You know, we have reached such a level of hypocrisy, that, when a couple gets married, we start speaking of their sex life, without even mentioning the word, for once!!!


And, for love birds dating, the term spontaneously changes to "the thing" and "something"!!!


It's like, you ask your friend, "Did something happen??"


I mean, WHY???



Why can't people ask it, straightaway???




A three letter word has taken a nation, by the nostrils!!!

Tagore Tale!!!

There was one thing, I was made to realise, quite early in my life.

Besides the ten thousand eleven hundred and eighty gods, from the myths, we had one more, who was a patent household god, for every Bengali.


Rabindranath Tagore!!!


Well, for sure, he was a god, but, more because of his name!!

Ya, I mean, literally!!!

Thakur, in Bengali, refers to God, and that's how Tagore is pronounced in Bengali, rather, thew other way round!!


My grandfather was a lesser known poet of his times, because, there wasn't Facebook or Twitter!! And, my dad was also quite much into science literature. So, the writing lukeworm was pretty much genetic!!!


But, I so hated being a Bengali, and a writer, at the same time!!

I mean, Tagore had already driven every sane, nuts, with his omnipresence in the academic syllabus!!! And, for the worst part, no matter whatever you write, it has been already written!!!


No wonder, Tagore never attended school!!!

Bangalore Blues!!!

There are things, any place teaches you. And if, the place is Bangalore, you are bound to learn the weirdest things, any Indian can learn!!!


The moment, you start considering yourself, a "Bangalorean", here's the first thing you learn.

"Wassup da?" "Wassup pa?" What ra?" "Hey macha!"...

These are the phrases, you are supposed to be flocked and thronged by!!


Now, comes the second one!!


If you are a Bangalorean,  India is simply, North and South!! Straight and simple.


Anything above Maharashtra is north!!! Even Madhya Pradesh is north, for a Bangalorean!!!


Who says India has a north-east, a north-west and, a centre too???


To hell, with your directions!!!


Oh!! Did I forget??? Bangalore Airport is in Chennai!!!


So, literally, if you fly from Chennai, you board a flight from Bangalore Airport, to Bangalore!!!

Crazy shit!!!


Oh yes.


The other day, a guy finished watching Jodhaa Akbar, without an interval, without moving an inch...!!


Due credits to the Bangalore traffic!!!

Facebook Files!!!

Like every other employed jobless guy, I'm on Facebook!!!


Facebook and Whatsapp have become somewhat similar to the call of nature, that too, to such an extent, that, companies have come up with internet offers, solely for Facebook and Whatsapp!!! Recharge with this, and get unlimited Facebook and Whatsapp for 30 days!!


People are more prompt to Facebook and Whatsapp alerts, than they would ever be, to the morning alarm of the table clock!!!


And then, nowadays, girls have a trend of adding the weirdest subtitles to their names!!!


"Crazylicious" Shirsha!! "Angel" Asmita!! "Sensuous" Savita!!!


I mean, is it Facebook?? Or, an OLX for adjectives???


And then, there are girls, who never give their real pictures, and use randomn pictures from Google to an extent, that, in a few days, you realise half a dozen girls on your friend list look exactly the same!!! They are probably way too shy to upload the original, because that's nowhere near the adjective, she's just used!!!


And, for the worst part, there are some overtly frustrated guys, who use a Facebook account, in the disguise of a girl, probably because, they could never date one!!!

Sorry Sister!!!

Every second guy, in his school days, had to recite the pledge, "All Indians are my brothers and sisters..."

Wait wait!!!


All Indians are my brothers and sisters???


Forget brothers...

If every Indian girl is my sister, whom am I supposed to date???


Osama bin Laden's daughter???


Or, you want me to get a passport for dating a girl???


How WILD would that be???


And, it didn't stop there!!!


If my parents ever saw me exchanging an extra, irrelevant phrase with a girl, they would smartly say, "Beta, she's like your sister!!"


And then, there would be this lovely girl, who, throughout the year, would behave like she was nothing short of your girlfriend, and then, suddenly, on an auspicious, ominous morning, she would cage you with a "rakhi" and abuse you the way, you never wanted!!!


"BHAIYYA!!!"

The Bong Song!!!

It's a serious problem for a normal Bengali guy to date a normal Malayali Brahmin girl!!!


The normal staple diet for me, consisted of umpteen varieties of fish, meat, and to the least, eggs!!

And, there stood my girl, finding life cabbages, cauliflowers, lettuce leaves, and potatoes!! The excitement she got, after feeding on soyabeans, her solitary source of real proteins, was ORGASMIC!!!


Just imagine, the reactions of the two intestinal systems, on a dinner date!!


Where, on the one hand, mine would be yelling, "Yes!! Yes!! Gimme some more of that!! Am loving the flesh!!!", her delicate system would be like,  "Oh my God!! The lettuce leaves and gobi manchurian are so hot!! Am going nuts!!"


I mean, seriously??? Who gets high on gobi manchurian??

On a wilder note, when, in my food fantasy, I would be swimming fishes, and running pigs, she would be swaying cabbage leaves, and getting horny on soyabeans!!!

The Name Game!!!

The greatest tragedy to happen to me, after shifting to Bangalore was, a severe identity crisis!!!


Forget pronouncing my name correctly, they came up with epic comic transformations of my surname!!

To start off with, Anindya (pronounced Anindo), got changed to "Anindiya"!! And even then, they weren't happy!! On a worse note, they called me Gosh!!(instead of Ghosh), and we had this habit of calling by surnames!


In a month, "Gosh" had changed "Goash"( beef!).


I was like, dude!! I'm not beef by the farthest stretch of imagination!!!


Though my name had transformed from "Anindiya" to "Aanindyo"!!

But, sadly or comically enough, I remained a "Goash" for them!!



Seriously, I wish these guys could pronounce either of them, in a better way!!

It looked more of a name, ripped off, to pieces!


I mean, it's my name guys!!! Show some goddamn respect!!!

Birthday Blisters!!!

You know, every single guy is afraid of a special day in a year. His birthday!!!

I mean, I seriously can't understand why on earth, should I treat dozens of people??

Just because, I was born???

I mean, those useless idiots didn't have any contribution to the cause!!!


And the only question that comes up is, "Bhai, treat kab dega??"

I mean the people, who actually worked hard were, my parents, me, and the goddamn doctor!!!


And these idiots come up like, they were born, just for this day!!

And, you know the greatest irony??


There's this girl, your ex-flame, and she calls up, wishing you!!!

The very next question is, "Dude, when are you giving the treat??"

And, you are like.....you seriously don't know how to react!!!

Be happy, because she asked for it?? Or, be sad, because, that was the maximum, you would ever reach!!!

Photography Petrified!!!

I had this batch mate at college, who was, badly a photographer!!

First, she half killed here dad, emotionally, to buy her a D-SLR camera. Then, she started uploading every single snap of hers, on Facebook, which were gibberish, even in the most abstract sense of art, and captioned them with english words, I never came across, in a dictionary!!!

She tortured every single, helpless insect, to the maximum, to flaunt her photographic skills. And, when she would, rarely though, fall short of subjects, she would go back to her signature topic.

Meaningless, scary selfies!!!


I mean, one of her selfies, was strong enough to have scared, even Al-Qaida terrorists!!!


She was one of those photographers, who, when offered a drink, would first click pictures of the filled glass, a not-so-filled glass, a half empty, and an almost empty glass, from so many angles and dimensions, that, by the time she would be done, I would probably have got over...my hangover!!!

Marriage Magic!!!

There are very specifically, two kinds of people on earth. Alive. And...MARRIED!!!

When can you surely say that, a man is married??
When he has the right logic in an arguement, and yet, decides to stay silent! He's grown the habit!!


When do you realise that your girlfriend has become your wife??
The day, she stops calling you "baby"!!


When can you expect your mom and wife, to be, at peace???

One, when both of them are drunk!!
Two, when either of them is blind and deaf!!(you can make out lip readings, so being blind is important!)


Why do you think,a girl cries, when she gets married??
Emotions? Chuck it.

Her official license to scan the bank accounts of two men(dad and boyfriend) is halved, all of a sudden!!



Somebody said, marriages are made in heaven!!!

He was the greatest liar!!

God is always just.

He could not let, some men have their independence!!!

Of Soups, Salads and A Sex Appeal!!!

The conventions of beauty describe a man's sex appeal by his perfectly cut out abs.

Fuck conventions!!

I was dating this super conscious girl, whose entire diet consisted solely of soups and salads!! And a singular piece of chicken, every new moon!!

And you know what??

That didn't do my wallet any good, because, her salads costed more than a double egg chicken roll!!!

And, that was the first time I realised, the "weight" of salads and soups!!


So, one day, she strikes up "the topic".


"Baby, you should start following a diet! You have to look sexy, and get abs!!"

I was basically, at a loss of words!

I took a deep breath.


"Baby, I'm sexy!! My sexiness is layered! That's the actuality! How can I get rid of my multi-layered sex appeal??"


"Abs are too common, baby!!!"

Neighbour Nuisance!!

The greatest problem with being a Bengali is, you are cursed, if you are good at arts!


A few years back, one of a learned, elderly, "over enthusiastic in neighbouring affairs", neighbour arrived at my place.(quite much to my disliking, expectedly!!)

He was chit chatting with my parents, and suddenly, he realised, some spice was missing! That very point of time, I, quite unluckily, chanced before him.

His eyes glittered, just the way it happens, when a leopard sees a deer!!!

"Beta, what are you doing these days?" he couldn't help bluffing, being concerned.

"I write." I said.
"My nephew is also a writer, with a newspaper!" he was so happy!
"I am a painter." I said.
"My niece is a painter! Passed from the Government Art College!" he was starting to have fun!
"I am a photographer." I said, helplessly.
"My wife's cousin's son is also a freelance photographer!!"

I was seriously finding it tough to combat, this not-so-respectable neighbour of mine!

"And beta, what else?" he inquired.

"Uncle, I just turned gay!!!"

Basically Bong!!

I belong to a culturally enriched, a bit overeducated middle class Bengali family!


My father was an ornithologist with the Government, and my mother, a Biology teacher, before she gave up her career, to take care of her children!


Now, the problem with overeducated parents is, they try to spoonfeed you, even dreams!!


When I was thirteen, I was said, that, it was their dream to make a doctor of me, for the past thirteen years!

What??

Did you just say thirteen??

I mean, you were dreaming for me, when I was barely clad in some spoilt diapers, sucking plastic nipples??

Fuck!!

And wait!! The tragedy has just begun! If you don't start believing that "the dream" is your ultimate objective, and if, by the worst chance, you actually have your own dreams, you are straightaway declared a terrorist!!!

A rebel, without a cause!

Seriously??

I mean, I'm not even a KHAN!!!

Happily Hindu!!

I'm seriously proud to be a Hindu!! For Muslims, they have a set rule of five "nawaaz"es a day. Christians visit and pray at churches, at least once a week. And, as for Hindus?? Fuck rules!!

Thousands of temples, and Hindus visit God, only on two occassions.

 Women, mostly on the occassion of Pujas, flaunting their "fleshy" jewellery, and "not-designer", stylish sarees! And for guys like me?? Oh!! Only when the results of an exam, an interview, or a "love test" is due!

We simply bribe God, as if he was the sergeant at the traffic signal!!

"God, get me through, and I will perform a puja of 11/-, 21/-, 51/-. 101/-, 151/-, and sometimes, even more!!(on rarer occassions, though!)

Fuck!!

Is that God, or, a never-satisfied-with his salary Government employee!?!

Well, maybe bribing God has become easier and cheaper than bribing a Government employee! It's true!!

Shit happens!!